Issue # 16

a bigger circle of care

This past week, we ran a dress rehearsal for the next phase of our lives.

My spouse’s parental leave ends tomorrow, and we wanted to test what our new routine might feel like. For the first time, our son would be spending my work hours with one of his grandmothers, a kind of daycare, nestled in the homes of people who adore him.

I was incredibly nervous. He’s just under nine months old, and sending him to be cared for by others on a regular basis, even loving family, made me feel like I was failing him. Like I was choosing work over being his mom.

Still, we prepped. We packed the diaper bag. Labeled frozen purees. Sent over a little chair, some toys, snacks, a schedule. Both sets of grandparents know him well, they talk to him nearly every day. But still...this was different.

That first morning, everything went smoothly. We left on time. Drop-off went better than I expected. No tears, just a curious baby in familiar arms.

And then we came home. To a quiet house.

My spouse disappeared into a work trial run. I drank some coffee, had a snack. And then I sat down and worked for five straight hours.

It was the deepest focus I’ve had in months. For so long, even when I wasn’t actively caring for my son, I could still hear him, babbling, fussing, being carried room to room, and that mental tether made real concentration nearly impossible.

Now the silence was jarring. More than once, I froze in a small panic. Why can’t I hear him? Is something wrong? And then I’d remember: he wasn’t here. He was safe, and loved, and being cared for, but he wasn't here.

I did still feel a flicker of guilt. But when I went to pick him up, he was happy. Calm. Over the week, we noticed he started sleeping better. Playing more independently. Exploring more confidently. It made sense — he’s an inquisitive little person with endless energy, and suddenly, his world was bigger. More faces. More variety. More love.

And the thing is, it’s been good for us too.

We’re better parents when we have space to think, to focus, to miss him a little. And he’s thriving, not just because of us, but because of all the people who love him.

I know not every family has this kind of support. We’re incredibly lucky to have both sets of grandparents nearby and willing to help in this way. That luck isn’t lost on me.

But for anyone navigating that same guilt, wondering if you’re wrong to want even a few hours of separation, I just want to say: it doesn’t mean you’re failing.

It might just mean your family is growing, in all the best ways.

– Aurooba