Issue # 17

before the baby..there was you.

Lately I’ve been looking back. Not just at those early postpartum days, but further...to the time when I was still pregnant. When everything felt uncertain and slow and strangely expectant (pun intended, hah!). When I was growing a whole person and still trying to keep pace with the person I’d been before.

And I keep thinking about what I’d tell her now, if I could go back. So here it is. And hey, if you're not a person who can get pregnant, maybe this might help you if someone you know gets pregnant - a partner, a friend, a sibling, a coworker, a cousin, etc.

Dear pregnant me,

I wish someone had given you permission, really given it, with softness and no strings, to buy as many maternity clothes as you needed.

I know you didn’t want to “waste money.” You told yourself it was just a blip in time. That you’d get by with a few stretchy pieces. That you didn’t need to look good all the time, you just needed to get through it.

But I wish you’d known how much it would have helped to feel put together. To have clothes that fit your changing body instead of trying to squeeze into old ones and feel bad when they didn’t. To wake up and get dressed with ease. That little lift of comfort and confidence? You deserved it. Even just for a few months. But honestly, let's be real, it was nearly TEN MONTHS. That's almost a year. You didn't deserve to be uncomfortable for a whole year, you deserved to feel comfortable, to feel good.

There’s something else too: the people around you, even the ones who love you deeply, won’t always know how to support you. And sometimes, neither will you. That’s okay. Your instincts, those small inner flutters, they’re not random. They’re messages. You can trust them.

If you had, I think you would’ve done things differently. You would’ve said no to that cabin trip in the mountains more adamantly, when it was hot and you were tired and it sounded more exhausting than fun. You would’ve let the cleaner come more often. You would’ve carved out more stillness and rest, instead of sneaking it in and feeling guilty for doing so.

Because the truth is, you didn’t like being pregnant. And that’s okay too. You had no major complications, just a body doing one of the hardest things it’s ever done. A couple of scares, yes, and they felt huge, partly because you were running on empty, pushing yourself to keep performing your life like everything was the same.

You weren’t lazy. You were becoming.

I know you saw all those pregnant women still achieving so much, glowing and building and never missing a beat. You wanted to be like them. But you weren’t. And that’s okay. You were you, and if you’d given yourself more rest, more softness, more space to move slowly, who knows, you might have actually done more. Laughed more. Lived more.

You did what you thought you should do. And now I know: you could have done what you needed to do instead.

So if I could give you anything, it wouldn’t be a better pillow or a different supplement, or a list of what to buy. It would be this:

Permission.​
​To rest.
​To opt out.​
To feel beautiful.
To not enjoy pregnancy and still be grateful for it.
To do less.
To be more.

Love,
You, 9 months postpartum.